When bubbles burst

I'm writing fewer posts than I used to. Earlier this year, this was due to a heavy freelance workload. But recently, it has become much more than that. I'm finding it very difficult to write, because I no longer trust my own ability. I have a crisis of confidence.

My confidence crisis started about six months ago, in the sequence of events that led to my resignation from Pieria. In March, I was asked to write six posts of a 10-post series of "think pieces" for the Design Council, which would be published on Pieria and Medium. I was at the time sole editor of original content on Pieria, but this series was to be separate from the main site and would therefore be under the control of the Design Council's appointed editor.

I'm not going to go into details about exactly what went wrong. Suffice it to say, that I only completed one of the six pieces. The first draft was sent back for changes and further research, and I produced a second draft a few days before going to Washington for the INET conference on 6th May. The initial feedback from the Design Council editor was "It's GREAT". So off I went to Washington believing that the piece was complete.

On 6th May, while sitting in the IMF conference hall listening to Christine Lagarde, I received an email from the commercial director at Pieria. The email informed me that the Design Council editor had rejected the completed piece, on the grounds that it did not match the style of other pieces in the series that had already been completed by another journalist. He had also killed the second piece that I was in the process of writing, and had demanded that I be removed from the project.

To say this was a shock was an understatement. I desperately needed reassurance, so I sent the rejected piece for independent editorial evaluation. The response was amazingly positive. I also sent it to my co-editor at Pieria, who was also positive. On that basis I took the decision to publish the piece on Pieria on the main part of the site (unconnected with the Design Council series), under my own by-line and with a different title.

Unfortunately that decision turned out to be disastrous. The commercial director, presumably concerned that the Design Council would object to the piece being published when they had rejected it, refused to publish it. It remained hidden in the editorial section of the site. Not only that, but all my other work was wiped from the front page of the site, including guest posts I had published on behalf of others on my own profile. This was the action that caused me to resign. I no longer had confidence that any work I did would be published. My position was untenable.

Pieria was a terrible loss. However, I expected that my freelance work would continue. But it didn't. Over the summer months, it all but dried up. Publications for which I had done a lot of work over the previous year stopped commissioning me to write for them. At first I thought this was just a seasonal slowdown, and things would pick up in the autumn. But summer turned to autumn, and no more work appeared.....

Fortunately, a friend of mine recommended me to work with an agency on a content development campaign for a well-known financial services company. I submitted a portfolio of my work to them, which the senior managing editor said was "outstanding". On the strength of that and my editorial experience, I was interviewed for the editorship of the campaign. Unfortuately I was passed over in favour of someone who knew the platform better. But I happily agreed to write for the campaign.

To start with, things appeared to go well. I was assigned my first piece at the beginning of September and completed it on time. Other pieces followed.

But then the edits started....

I discovered that every piece I wrote was being substantially revised or rewritten by the editor. When I asked why, I was told that my writing was "dry and pointless". Apparently I was the worst writer on the campaign. Just as I had been on the Design Council campaign for Pieria.

I don't know what to believe any more. I thought I was a good writer. But the feedback I've been getting in the last few months says otherwise. Maybe I've been misleading myself about my ability.

I started writing because I believed I had something useful to contribute. But perhaps I don't. Perhaps this has all just been a bubble, and now the bubble has burst....

When bubbles burst, they cause widespread confusion and chaos. My bubble is no different from any other bubble. So I am confused, and my mind is in chaos. I no longer trust my judgment about my writing, or anyone else's for that matter. How can I, when pieces that I think are good are heavily revised, rewritten or rejected?

I don't know what I'm doing any more. I don't know where I'm going. I reduced my singing teaching substantially, partly for health reasons but partly to make room for writing. The writing seems to be leaving me, and the singing teaching is not returning - not that I really want it to, but at least it paid the bills. I have no idea how I will survive.

 It all seems so unfair. I've worked so hard, but working hard is not good enough.

Constantly in the back of my mind is a comment I read once about bloggers, that they stop blogging when they run out of things to say. Have I run out of things to say? No, but I seem to have run out of the means to say them.

I never expected to reach this point. But does anyone ever expect a bubble to burst?